Hey, I'm Jordan Cooper.
Stand-up comic. Web marketer. Tech douchebag.

The Inception Of Douchebaggery

Posted on May 12, 2013

Doling out the brutal truth that when you’re only one disgruntled consumer out of many satisfied millions, your money means jack shit to a company’s bottom line.

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I rant about Adobe killing Creative Suite for it’s cloud subscription service, how it’s a win-win-win for casuals, professionals and the company itself, and that anyone complaining must be pirating the software to begin with and not admitting it.

In addition, I explore the reasoning behind YouTube’s new paid subscription channels, why there’s way too much content out there for “extras” to succeed, and describe a utopia that no mainstream media company would ever allow to happen.

Plus I explain how the nationwide online sales tax will end up backfiring royally on brick-and-mortar establishments and share the real reason certain folks are outraged over the recent comments made by Abercrombie & Fitch’s CEO.

play audio The Inception Of Douchebaggery

Links from this episode:

Adobe: 5 Reasons We Killed The Creative Suite
Adobe’s Subscription Model & Why Platform Owners Should Care
Can YouTube succeed with its paid channel subscriptions?
YouTube to advertisers: We’re the new TV, because we’re nothing like TV
Senate passes nationwide online sales tax bill
Abercrombie, Fat Chicks & Polarization in Marketing

Free Trials Are For Freetards

Posted on May 10, 2013

It’s nice to see there’s a developer that actually understands business.

If you sell a low-priced app in the App Store with no free version, you make money from every tire kicker.

Free “tastes” work out best financially only when the cost of purchase (or lifetime customer value) is high and target market size (or sales conversion rate) is low. Consider the difference between Mac apps like Photoshop, Final Cut Pro, Logic Pro and their cheaper/lighter brethren Elements, iMovie and Garage Band.

Almost all potential customers would want to see what they’re getting before plunking down several hundred bucks for the former – the advanced, pro products. Yet if they do like what they see and go on to purchase it, you’re getting a huge chunk of profit from each conversion regardless if the overall rate is fairly low.

For the latter applications that are feature-light and cheaper, you’re relying on a larger market of much more casual users. Yet if they have any mitigating need for the solution you’re offering, a high percentage of this group would indeed pay for it given the right price point.

Developers are doing themselves a disservice to their bank accounts by offering any free trial period at this level for one of two reasons:

1. When given the choice, a large portion of users that would have paid outright will opt for the free trial instead, many of which never converting past that taste test.

It’s like if a car salesman who has just filed all the paperwork, financing, insurance; the customer is in the middle of writing the down payment check; and right before they sign, convinces them to go take a test drive. The biggest sin in sales is not knowing when to shut up and take the money.

2. Most opting for a free trial will not pay regardless of how cheap or great the app is.

Studies in behavioral economics have shown that the psychological difference between $0.00 and $0.01 is enormous. The mere act of opening up one’s wallet is a giant leap that certain people will just not take.

Anyone who fits this demographic will never be your customer. Never. Stop trying to get them. It’s a lost cause. These folks aren’t tire kickers. They don’t even own a car in which to kick said tires. Fuck ‘em.

Selling a thousand dollar piece of software with no free trial period or not even a lower priced feature-light version? You’re probably doing it wrong. If not, that must be one insanely valuable, life-changing, orgasm-inducing app.

Selling a 99 cent app that has a free trial period? You’re probably doing it wrong. Actually, you probably, have a really low threshold for failure, deep-seeded self-esteem issues and should go see a therapist immediately.

No One Wants To Be That Douchebag

Posted on May 2, 2013

Doling out the brutal truth that as long as food and shelter are secured, humans have always defaulted to time-wasting activities with or without the internet.

Subscribe to the podcast in iTunes if you give a damn!

I rant about new publishing platforms, why their mission statements mean nothing, how once the mainstream media gets on-board that it’s all over for the ‘little guys’ and worst of all, how we the users stupidly get duped by them time and time again.

In addition, I quickly review Google Now for iOS, comment on the recent hands-on reviews of Google Glass, extol on the utter futility of regaining a supposedly “lost” humanity by spending a year without the internet, and rant about the haters who don’t understand what Kickstarter essentially is when lauding celebrity projects.

play audio No One Wants To Be That Douchebag

Links from this episode:

The Company That’s Buying Up All the Key Pieces of the Online-News Ecosystem
The Medium Compromise
Guys Like This Could Kill Google Glass Before It Ever Gets Off the Ground
Everything is Amazing and Robert Scoble is Happy
Google Now on iOS is neither Google nor Now
I’m still here: back online after a year without the internet
Washington state slams T-Mobile for “deceptive ‘No-Contract’” ads
Kickstarter abuse: Why are you giving your money to wealthy celebrities?

Fake Thoughts, Fake Prayers, Fake Friends

Posted on April 23, 2013

Doling out the brutal truth that people inherently flock to human carnage as a way to instill relief in their own survival.

Subscribe to the podcast in iTunes if you give a damn!

I rant about the reaction on social media to the Boston Marathon bombing, how most put their ‘perceived selves’ on a pedestal in light of actually grieving a tragedy, the expectations we have towards journalistic outfits compared to the social web, why the news media continually gets facts wrong and how we’re all to blame for it.

In addition, I quickly review Twitter #Music, explain why an individual’s music tastes can’t be crowdsourced, and give streaming music services the most effective marketing message they should lead with in their advertising to the public.

play audio Fake Thoughts, Fake Prayers, Fake Friends

Links from this episode:

The Repetitive Cycle of Tragedy and Social Media
The Best Twitter Response to Tragedy: Shut Up
CNN Gets It Wrong — Why We Don’t Really Mind
Rule #1: Don’t Be A Profiteering Asshole
Breaking News Is Broken
Here’s what we don’t know at this hour
Twitter Music Is Great For Artists; Less So For Fans
Twitter Music: More Noise, Less Signal
Splashy ads and free streaming promotions don’t work

Bitcoin Is The Scientology Of Economics

Posted on April 11, 2013

Doling out the brutal truth that our economy will never be fully functional when the public knows fuck-all on how currency even works in the first place.

Subscribe to the podcast in iTunes if you give a damn!

I rant about why Facebook was smart not to make their own device or operating system, the real reason why the PC market is taking a massive downturn, how to fix Foursquare (and two other platforms at the same time), why most of the industry and press is in denial over Aereo’s true business intentions, and who Fox is even trying to scare by threatening to pull their signal off the public airwaves.

In addition, I go off on game developers’ inability to admit they fucked up, how most of the April Fools “jokes” didn’t live up to the day’s true purpose, and with no culinary experience, give some tips to future contestants of Hell’s Kitchen.

play audio Bitcoin Is The Scientology Of Economics

Links from this episode:

Who’s Going To Buy The Facebook Phone?
Why Facebook should have built its own phone
The PC market is a horror show right now
Foursquare Checks In As The Mayor Of Debt Town
Would Fox Really Yank Its Broadcast Signal?
Yes, you should care about Bitcoin, and here’s why
We Can Do Better
April Fools Day should be about jokes

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