Hey, I'm Jordan Cooper.
Stand-up comic. Web marketer. Tech douchebag.

No One’s Reading Your Fake Magazine

Posted on March 31, 2013

Doling out the brutal truth that the only reason birthday celebrations are a societal tradition is to give the hopeless majority the feeling of being special one time out of the year for doing nothing.

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I rant about Facebook users changing their profile pictures to raise awareness for causes everyone already knows about anyways, how T-Mobile’s new no-contract smartphone plan is just a creative accounting trick and why no one is ever going to read your curated Flipboard “magazine”.

In addition, I explain how showrooming is due to retailers’ poor ability to close a sale, why Walmart’s misguided plans to innovate the buying experience should still be applauded, how Redbox is profiting over the industry’s infatuation with what’s next, and why people in office pools really pick upsets in their NCAA bracket.

play audio No Ones Reading Your Fake Magazine

Links from this episode:

Facebook users changed their profile pictures in favor of gay marriage at 120% rate
T-Mobile Killed The Smartphone Contract, But It Doesn’t Save You Money
Flipboard 2.0 now lets everyone run their own magazine
Hold up, Flipboard – what are you calling a “magazine”?
The dumbest way to fight showrooming: Charge customers $5 just for browsing
How To Curtail Showrooming: Charge Admission
Walmart to trial Amazon-style lockers for web purchases
Walmart considers asking customers to deliver its packages
Why Walmart Wishes It Were a Startup
Redbox clings to the dying DVD, and it could pay off

The Handjob Deal Protocol

Posted on March 22, 2013

Doling out the brutal truth that bands who are past their prime only continue to tour not to gain a new audience, but so long-time fans can relive their teenage years.

Subscribe to the podcast in iTunes if you give a damn!

I rant about the mass of technocrats scurrying to find alternatives to Google Reader, digital extremists who seek to control all of their data, how Google’s ecosystem is built for ordinary consumers and why it’s impossible to completely rid yourself of proprietary monocultures.

In addition, I poke fun at how untrustworthy the venture capitalist space must be, corporate retailers who implement company-wise systems without a care about customer experience, why digital narcissism is more of an issue in tech ciclces than sexism, and the difference in the expectations of people who utilize technology in their everyday lives versus those who are not accustomed to it.

play audio The Handjob Deal Protocol

Links from this episode:

Sorry Google; you can Keep it to yourself
Your favorite Thursday sandwich
The Handshake Deal Protocol
Why Starbucks isn’t the energy shot Square needed
Digital Era Redefining Etiquette
Does Continual Googling Really Make You Stupid?
Adria Richards, PyCon, and How We All Lost

RSS Doomsday Preppers

Posted on March 16, 2013

Doling out the brutal truth that RSS never caught on in the mainstream because it requires people to do something they’re not used to – thinking for themselves.

Subscribe to the podcast in iTunes if you give a damn!

I rant about the death of Google Reader, the sky-is-falling reaction by the technorati after the announcement, how big media publishers don’t want the public to control their own news consumption, and why the the venture capital mindset kills sustainable niche businesses and revenue models.

In addition, I vehemently declare that Groupon was built and operates like a ponzi scheme, explain the psychology behind Amazon Prime’s overwhelming success and why price is the only effective differentiation between retail mediocrity.

Lastly, I poke fun at the vapid Samsung Galaxy S4 launch event, how it highlights that we’ve reached peak smartphone innovation, and why the Sim City release debacle shows that game developers don’t believe they’re in the service industry.

play audio RSS Doomsday Preppers

Links from this episode:

Google Reader lived on borrowed time
Tools, platforms, and Google Reader
Why the death of Google Reader doesn’t bother me that much
Greed is Groupon: Can anyone save the company from itself?
Why Amazon Prime Could Soon Cost You Next to Nothing
A Truly Depressing Visit to JCPenney
There Is No Such Thing As A Great Launch Event
Will SimCity Launch Disaster Stop Online-Only DRM?

They’re Not Talking About You

Posted on March 8, 2013

Doling out the brutal truth that the real reason you’re not on Facebook anymore has nothing to do with privacy or data, it’s because you don’t have any friends.

Subscribe to the podcast in iTunes if you give a damn!

I rant about Facebook’s newly revamped design, why detractors of their news feed algorithm are missing the plot, how Google’s search results are judged by a double-standard, and why there are so many Facebook ads that contain cleavage shots.

In addition, I get livid over journalists who ignore the economic realities when whining about pay, how we take for granted tools that allow talented luddites to overcome technical hurdles, and why Marissa Mayer’s decision to end telecommuting at Yahoo has nothing to do with you.

play audio Theyre Not Talking About You

Links from this episode:

Separating truth from fiction about Facebook
We do not own our audience’s attention
Seriously, Facebook, What Is Up With These Obnoxious, Sexist Ads?
Twitter Reaction to Events Often at Odds with Overall Public Opinion
A Day in the Life of a Freelance Journalist
A Day in the Life of a Digital Editor
Micropublishing is about more than just The Magazine
Why Banning Telecommuters Is A Sign Your Company Is Screwed
The Yahoo Kerfuffle

A Hundred Thousand True Fans Isn’t Enough?

Posted on March 6, 2013

Apparently, popular musicians are finally coming around to the realization that you can’t have your cake and eat it too. While Radiohead and Nine Inch Nails may be regarded as the pioneers of Music Industry 2.0 with direct distribution and ‘pay what you want’ models, they’re still so far up their own asses with their expectation of success – or even understanding the true size of their audience.

Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor very aggressively tried to find alternatives to the label-dominated methods of selling and distributing music in 2007 after he dumped his record company. In 2008, Reznor financed a similar song giveaway as Radiohead’s for rapper Saul Williams. After the results were in, Reznor said he was “disheartened” that only 18 percent of the more than 150,000 people who downloaded Williams’ songs chose to pay for them.

Welcome to reality, buddy. Truthfully, 18% isn’t all too bad. New age “freemium” businesses like Evernote and Dropbox are valued in the high nine-figures with conversion rates a tenth of this. The fact that Reznor isn’t aware of the release’s true success in this landscape shows his inexperience at best, or at worst, a sharp sense of entitlement you can cut with a knife. How dare all these people deem this obvious brilliance not worthy of payment?

These former major label superstars, many who had platinum-selling albums in the 90′s, seem to think they can replicate success going “indie” in the same fashion they were accustomed to inside the corporate music machine. Just put out a great album and people will buy it, right? As any digital publisher of the past decade could attest, “build it and they will come” couldn’t be further from the truth. But this is really all these artists have ever known.

Besides making the music and performing live, they barely had to touch any of the infrastructure that truly fueled their popularity. The millions pumped into the billboards, MTV videos, radio spots and other traditional marketing initiatives. The managers, agents, lawyers, bookers, planners and support staff all looking to capitalize on every opportunity. While the artist’s music itself definitely allowed the “machine” to be effective, the cream rarely rises to the top on its own. Yet it’s because of this disconnect, distance and admitted disdain musicians had working with their corporate overlords that gives them the skewed perspective shown by Reznor in the above quoted piece.

These artists actually think their success was solely due to their own genius. Now that their hit single isn’t being played on the radio every hour, MTV isn’t even airing videos at all, Billboard readership is halved and the public has access to a thousand times the amount of content as before, reality has hit them square in the face. They’re not special anymore. Maybe to true fans, but not to a mass audience. Very few are.

Yet they continue to operate their careers as if the “masses” still exist. That a million albums sold is normal. That packed out arenas are commonplace. That everyone who has ever synced their hit song to an iPod is a fan. These notions exist because the corporate music industry were absolute experts in optimally monetizing weak-tie relationships between artists and consumers. The person who picked up a CD as an impulse buy at Wal-Mart paid the same price as the dedicated fan who camped out in front of Tower Records on release day.

Combined with the public’s limited bandwidth for music exposure and the inherent scarcity of physical media, the industry had no incentive to treat one consumer different from another. Soundscan reports it all the same. Why take the effort and expense to cultivate deeper, long-term, sustainable connections with people when you can pump out an album (usually with only one or two good songs), blitzkrieg the marketplace and suck $20 a pop out of anyone who even slightly fancies the artist? Hey, I can’t really blame them. It’s good business.

But it’s the only business that musicians know. That’s why it’s no surprise they’ve retreated back to major labels. Nine Inch Nails and Radiohead chose to think outside the box and experiment with a new distribution model, yet their career mindset is still as rigid as the “suits” grasping for dear life hoping for the good ol’ days to return. While the digital elite can trot them out as poster-child case studies, it’s apparent that they still yearn for a middle man to crank the engine. They still yearn for someone else to take care of the marketing as if getting more reach is the issue. They still yearn for access to the masses they once thought they had, and still expect. Alongside the industry itself, they still yearn for all consumers far and wide to be homogeneous.

In October, during an event to promote a book by rocker David Byrne, Reznor explained the decision for releasing An Omen with a major label. Reznor told the audience that How to Destroy Angels retains creative control, but when it came to marketing the band members believed they could use some help.

“No one else can write the songs I can write,” Reznor told the audience, “But there’s other people that can do some of that (marketing) stuff.

He’s absolutely correct that no one can write the songs he writes. But everyone else can easily get on my radar now. Putting out the most amazing album in the world won’t change that. It’s this attention economy he can’t seem to grasp, hence the dismay and confusion at how so few percentage of the public are actual swear-to-god true fans willing to pay. These are the only folks actively seeking the music even throughout all the noise. These are the only folks buying $50 concert tickets every time an act comes through town. These are the only folks who will spread good word of mouth to others ambitiously on an artist’s behalf.

The choice now is whether to embrace these true believers, super-serve their needs and nurture a continued value exchange – or go back to futile attempts of enticing casual bystanders to plunk down a buck at a carnival of infinite booths. Trent, you’re not special anymore. You never were. The industry, by design, made you believe the masses loved your music, but it was a lie. The majority of people never really gave a shit. They bought an album in a time when media was scarce, choices were limited and exposure was expensive to attain.

The direct-to-fan distribution model isn’t what’s broken. The perception of the number of actual fans you have is. But still, a hundred thousand of them not good enough for you? Go fuck yourself.

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