Hey, I'm Jordan Cooper.
Stand-up comic. Web marketer. Tech douchebag.

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The Inception Of Douchebaggery

Posted on May 12, 2013

Doling out the brutal truth that when you’re only one disgruntled consumer out of many satisfied millions, your money means jack shit to a company’s bottom line.

Subscribe to the podcast in iTunes if you give a damn!

I rant about Adobe killing Creative Suite for it’s cloud subscription service, how it’s a win-win-win for casuals, professionals and the company itself, and that anyone complaining must be pirating the software to begin with and not admitting it.

In addition, I explore the reasoning behind YouTube’s new paid subscription channels, why there’s way too much content out there for “extras” to succeed, and describe a utopia that no mainstream media company would ever allow to happen.

Plus I explain how the nationwide online sales tax will end up backfiring royally on brick-and-mortar establishments and share the real reason certain folks are outraged over the recent comments made by Abercrombie & Fitch’s CEO.

play audio The Inception Of Douchebaggery

Links from this episode:

Adobe: 5 Reasons We Killed The Creative Suite
Adobe’s Subscription Model & Why Platform Owners Should Care
Can YouTube succeed with its paid channel subscriptions?
YouTube to advertisers: We’re the new TV, because we’re nothing like TV
Senate passes nationwide online sales tax bill
Abercrombie, Fat Chicks & Polarization in Marketing

YouTubers: Your Content Is Shit

Doling out the brutal truth that every piece of media is purposely made to manipulate you in some fashion to garner more of your attention and continue to deplete money from your pockets.

Subscribe to the podcast in iTunes if you give a damn!

I rant about YouTube’s new redesign, why it’s focused on delivering a passive viewing experience as a viable entertainment outlet, how it’s a wake up call to content creators to change their tired “game” because there’s not a billion dollar business in cat videos and bullshit one-off viral hits.

In addition, I explain why music discovery isn’t a problem for naturally jaded consumers, how the confusion between the social graph and interest graph leads to people bitching about their boring Twitter stream, and why it’s not a surprise whatsoever that celebrities exploit our fame-obsessed stupidity to profit off of product endorsements.

play audio YouTubers: Your Content Is Shit

Links from this episode:

Tim Cook’s Freshman Year: The Apple CEO Speaks
YouTube Tries to Become More Like TV
Music Discovery: The Path to Digital Failure
Music Discovery Is Neither A Lie Nor A Path To Failure
Your Anti-Social Media Rant Reveals Too Much About Your Friends
How Twitter outs celebrity smartphone shills

Videos That Buffer, Suffer

Recently highlighted by The Verge was an obvious “no shit, Sherlock” study:

It’s hardly a surprise that viewership drops the longer it takes for a video to buffer, but a professor has analyzed data from 6.7 million unique visitors to try and put some numbers with the trend. According to a paper published by professor Ramesh K. Sitarman of the University of Massachusetts, Amherst, viewers begin to abandon a video after a two second delay, with six percent disappearing per second thereafter.

Sure, it makes sense. That spinning buffering icon is a motherfucker, no matter if it’s only for a few seconds. Yet I think the plot doesn’t really address an even more saddening reality in the state of online video. How exemplary is your content when people, who have already clicked through to view, are willing to abandon it completely after two clicks of a wristwatch?

Commercials on Hulu are a bitch. But I sit through them. Much, much longer than two seconds as well. With a mix of some “second screen” distraction, same could be said for live television, radio (and Pandora), the movie theater previews and a bevy of other forms of commercial entertainment. Why? People will stand marginal delays if the content is worth waiting for.

Although online video zealots with a pile of YouTube channel subscribers claim to be of equal standing as the legacy media industry, these types of viewing time statistics could imply otherwise. While channel surfing was and still is a common behavioral habit, what television shows could possibly survive in the environment where the bulk of viewers only watch it for less than a single minute?

Now I’m not trying to necessarily demean all online video content, but there definitely still is a gross rift between the standards on the web versus that of Hollywood. If not in quality, then in just the public perception of quality.

Once this isn’t the case and the gap is closed, then we can talk. As an online content creator now, however, you’ve pretty much only have two choices. Catch them within a few seconds at all costs, or don’t worry about that whatsoever and just make content that’s actually worth someone’s time. Most isn’t.

Normal People Can’t Make Videos Worth A Fuck

The Sad State Of Video Apps

If you want proof of a lack of good new user generated content on these platforms, just keep an eye out for what’s popular, you’ll see a bunch of old videos that were already available somewhere else first, but are simply being re-shared via app.

Simply put, it’s hard to make good shit. No matter how accessible tools are to the masses, that doesn’t change the fact that 99% of people have little to no talent in creating content worth a fuck.

Unfortunately, too many startups are focusing on the platform with the value propositions of “this is where you put your shit” and “this is where to see other people’s shit” and putting little effort in the initial creation aspect of the content to begin with.

When you have established players like YouTube funding professional channels and Tumblr looking to pay freelance writers, the writing should be on the wall. Most user-generated content sucks. But is there a way to fix that?

I think that if you look at the main thing that Instagram did right, it wasn’t attempting to generate a false virality, it was helping users create content that they were proud of. Unfortunately, by coming in post-capture, both the platform apps and the salvage apps are missing a chance to help users do so.